Interview with Privet Tamarack
Question: So, how do you keep in shape? Your physique is amazing, you’re like…like…ahem, very impressive.
Answer: Well, when I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs, every morning to help me get large…
Question: Seriously?
Answer: And not that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I’m roughly the size of a barrrrrrrrrrge!
Question: You realize you just broke about ten copyright laws, right?
Answer: Pffft, laws are for little people. I make my own copyrights.
Question: What does that even mean?
Answer: It means if those lawyers can beat me at mud wrestling, I’ll stop saying it. But they better send some hot female lawyers to wrestle with me, cause I’m not wrestling with dudes.
Question: That’s not a very progressive attitude.
Answer: That’s not a very flattering color for you to wear, but you don’t hear me complaining.
Question: You just did.
Answer: Enough about you, let’s talk about me.
Question: Um, okay, so how did you get into acting? Did you attend an academy?
Answer: Pffft, school is for nerds. When pre-production began, I was dating the executive producer, and she told me I either had to move out, or get a job. So, I ordered her to get me a job, and she did. When I first started, I thought this was supposed to be a commercial for t-shirts. That’s why in the first book, all my clothes are so tight-fitting. I was trying to show how strong the stitching was.
Question: Stitching?
Answer: Yeah, any shirt that can contain these guns, is quality made, doncha’ think?
Question: They are…amazing…
Answer: But then they wanted me to say stuff. I like saying stuff, but they wanted me to say their stuff, and that’s not what I’m about, baby. I say what I wanna’ say.
Question: I can see that.
Answer: You can see words? Are you high?
Question: No, I…it’s just an expression.
Answer: That’s what I’m talking about. They wouldn’t let me express myself the way I wanted to. They made me say what they wanted, and I think that is just morally wrong.
Question: I don’t think you know what the word morally means.
Answer: I don’t think I gave you permission to have an opinion about what I say.
Question: Tch. Sorry master.
Answer: All right, just don’t let it happen again. So anyway, I got my first paycheck, and I was like, that’s not nearly enough, so I went through Alder’s stuff and found his paycheck as well. That was closer to what I’m worth.
Question: You’ve been stealing your costars paychecks?
Answer: Stealing is such an ugly word. I was just taking the things I wanted that didn’t belong to me without permission.
Question: I think that is what stealing means.
Answer: I think you need to shut up.
Question: Someone is feisty today.
Answer: Sorry, I haven’t had my morning massage and seven pound omelet.
Question: Wait, you were serious about the five dozen eggs thing?
Answer: Yeah…what, did you think I was singing or something?
Question: You sang barrrrrrrrrrge!
Answer: That’s just the way I say barrrrrrrrrrge! It’s speech impediment. Don’t make fun of it.
|
