Interview with Athel Forsythia
Question: What was the most exciting thing that happened during filming?
Answer: Oh, the dragons, definitely.
Question: Had you ever met a dragon?
Answer: I still haven’t. We couldn’t afford to get real dragons on set. Too many fire permits, too many immunization shots. Do you know what the appearance fee for a 500 ton animal is? And heaven help you if they eat somebody. The legal department would have had kittens. No, we had these big animatronic puppet things that from a distance kind of looked vaguely like dragons if you squinted just right. I think they replaced them digitally in post-production, I’m not sure. I don’t read.
Question: You don’t read your own books?
Answer: Why would I? I was there. I was there when the rubber skin fell off the dragon and crushed B’ill flat as a pancake.
Question: Oh my, that’s terrible.
Answer: Yeah, it really was. Poor B’ill.
Question: May I ask who B’ill is?
Answer: What?
Question: B’ill, who’s B’ill?
Answer: Oh, he was supposed to be a new character, but after he got flattened, they wrote him out of the story. Too bad he didn’t get eaten, that at least would have been an exciting way to go. I hear he’s quite comfortable eating his meals through a straw up in Oregon. Good country, lots of trees.
Question: Do you get along well with your tree costars?
Answer: Deutzia is the biggest diva you will ever meet. She insists on having a bowl of skittles in her dressing room at all times, but only the yellow ones. Poor Alder had to sort a hundred bags of skittles each morning to get enough yellow skittles to fill her bowl. The interns were supposed to help him, but I don’t think they ever did.
Question: Can Deutzia even eat them?
Answer: No, don’t be crazy, she doesn’t have a mouth, she’s a tree. What, are you stupid?
Question: Well…I…
Answer: I think she throws them out the window or something, cause the parking lot across from the studio was always littered with yellow skittles. I think she likes to watch the people trip on them.
Question: Did you have any difficulty with any of your co-stars?
Answer: What? No. Noooo…no.
Question: You said no three times.
Answer: No…they’re all professionals to the core, and a joy to work with. Except Setsuna. She can go die in a fire. Preferably dragon fire, breathed down her throat so it will roast her from the inside out. Slowly and painfully.
Question: That’s pretty dark. The rumor was that you two fought over Privet quite a bit on set.
Answer: …and then, just before she dies, I’d rip out her heart, so she could see how black it was….
Question: Okay…next question. Do you think that….
Answer: …And then I’d slap her with her own black heart, over and over and over again.
Question: Are you done?
Answer: Almost. And then, I’d have her cremated, and mix dog poo into her ashes so that anyone coming near her urn would say, oh, my goodness, what is that horrible smell?
Question: So…you two didn’t get along, I take it?
Answer: What? No. I love my costars. Total professionals. They’re like my family. I love them all.
Question: Are you…reading that from the back of your hand?
Answer: What? No…noooo…not at all…no.
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