Deutzia’s Morning Sickness
Athel found Mina and Captain Evere were standing before Deutzia, her branches sagging all over the deck. Dr. Griffin was there too, his nose bandaged up. On one of Deutzia's lower branches an oversized blossom was growing and inside it a large piece of fruit.
“So, the baby is growing in there?” Captain Evere asked distastefully.
“Sure is,” Athel shared, placing her hand on the rind.
“And you're sure it's a girl?” Dr. Griffin asked, his voice muffled by his bandages.
“Oh yes, only women are born through the trees. If it were a boy he would be carried in my body, not Deutzia's.
“Fascinating.”
Athel placed her cheek against the surface of the rind. “If you listen real close you can hear the heartbeat. You guys wanna'?”
A terrible rumbling sound came out of Deutzia. “Get rid of the bacon,” she requested, her trunk heaving.
“Bacon? What bacon?” Athel asked.
“CUT!” yelled the director. “You okay, Deutzia?”
“No, I'm not going to be okay until you get rid of that bacon!” she shuddered sickly.
“There's no bacon on the set, Deutzia,” the director explained.
“Yes there is, I can smell it!” Deutzia burped. “Get rid of it before I throw up!”
Athel looked around and shrugged. “Maybe there's some on the catering table?”
“Nope, just bagels and yogurt,” Privet called from offstage, stuffing a bagel into his mouth.
“I'm telling you there's bacon!”
“There's a fridge over there, check it out,” the director ordered.
An electrician placed his candy bar in his mouth like a cigar and opened up the fridge. “Nuthin' in here but orange juice and hummus,” he grumbled, saliva dripping from the corner of his mouth.
“I'm not sure what more we can do for you, Deutzia,” Athel admitted.
Deutzia beat her branches against the floor. “I'm telling you there's bacon! Now, I REFUSE to work under these conditions!”
“If you need to rest we can bring in your understudy,” the director explained. “But, we can't get rid of something that isn't there.”
“I am not an animal!” Deutzia screamed. “I am an actress, and I DEMAND to be treated with dignity!”
Dr. Griffin rolled his eyes. “Oi, this is why I never work with trees.”
Another disgusting rumble came from Deutzia's trunk. “You got something racist to say, then say it, old man.”
“No, I ain't got nothing to say, your majesty,” Dr. Griffin said spitefully as he bowed before her. “Please tell us what else we can do to make you more comfortable, your worshipfulness. Perhaps we can alter the laws of gravity, or reverse time?”
“Holy crap,” Privet called out, pulling something out from the freezer.
“What is it?”
“It's bacon,” Privet explained examining the container.
“I told you! No one ever believes me!”
“It was factory sealed, placed inside a Tupperware, buried in the back of the freezer and iced over,” Privet explained. “How in the world could you smell this?”
“Ugh, get rid of it!”
“That's a borderline super-power right there, that is,” Captain Evere appraised.
Deutzia bent forward and threw up. The stream of amber-colored fluid struck Dr. Giffin in the waist, soaking him from the belt down.
“Oh, that is nasty!” Mina said, backing up.
“This is absurd!” Dr. Griffin yelled, flicking off his hands. “How can a tree throw up! She doesn't even have a stomach! It's not possible!”
Deutzia burped.
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